Nightmares and Next Steps
I’m awake before my alarm today. 3:30 AM to be precise.
The reason? I had a nightmare.
Not the “running screaming from a chainsaw-wielding serial killer” type. No, this was the “I inadvertently fell off the wagon” kind. To make matters worse, someone in my dream pointed out that I was supposed to be sober. And to make it even worse, I spilled the second drink. So I broke my sobriety, but didn’t even get to enjoy the booze! I woke up panicking, thinking, “Damn it, do I have to tell the world I fell off the wagon?” before realizing I was in my own bed and not at the pub.
I had similar dreams when I quit smoking. I’d dream I’d had a cigarette, wake up furious with myself, and then realize it wasn’t real.
Over the past few months, I’ve had plenty of other dreams where fantasy and reality don’t match. A recurrent one is about running. These were particularly frequent when I was still in a cast. I’d dream I was running freely, enjoying the pure choice of movement. Then I’d wake up thinking, “Yay, I can run!” before the crushing reality hit: “No, you’re still bung, and that’s not happening for a while yet.”
Broken Stats, Spontaneous Crying, 5 star accomodation and a Party
This week has been rough. Very rough. But that has nothing to do with booze. Mainly, it’s because I’m not sleeping and definitely not recovering. I’m not going to do a full stats session today because, honestly, the numbers are depressing. My HRV (Heart Rate Variability) hit an all-time low this week of 20ms! I realize most people have no idea what that means, but trust me—it’s bad.
It’s the pattern that’s worrying. Four weeks ago, I started with an HRV in the early 40s, and it has just plummeted since. The doc has prescribed some medication to help with the overnight pain in the hope that it improves things. I started on Thursday night and haven’t seen a major shift yet, but good things take time. Right?
Next week will be interesting, too. I head away for work on Tuesday morning and return Thursday evening. I will be staying in luxury accommodation (think high school hostel style) and will be walking thousands of stairs to get to the dining room and classroom every day. Should be fun! On the bright side, someone else will be cooking every meal and doing the dishes. I’d happily walk 1,000 steps for that.
Oh, and one of my wonderful BFFs has officially risen to the challenge. Conveniently, I received an invite to an 18th birthday party last night. I nearly responded straight away, but paused to think. I’m visiting her this weekend to discuss my strategy for attacking this next phase: the “sobriety meets uncovered social anxiety” challenge.
She’s fantastic. Despite having a much bigger social battery than I could ever dream of and actively thriving off chaos, she gets my predicament. I know she’ll help me make a plan that works. It will undoubtedly include a dual exit strategy with my co-pilot, who will most likely revert to thinking he’s 18 himself—until he wakes up the next morning.
Delaying the Inevitable (Suck it up princess!)
Anyway, back to the present. After spending the week processing things (and occasionally spontaneously crying thanks to sleep deprivation), it’s time to make a decision about where to go next. I actually had three different “challenges” on the table for this month: returning to the gym, optimizing my sleep, or increasing my social connection.
In the interest of full disclosure, the decision has been made. I even had a little test run yesterday just to see if it was viable.
So, surprise, surprise: The gym won.
I can walk. I might be a little lopsided and a bit limpy, but I’m walking nonetheless. I have medical clearance “within reason,” and if I wait much longer, I’ll start overthinking it. Consistency has never been an issue for me before, so hopefully, I’ll easily fall back into the habit. Though, in all honesty, not having to go has sometimes been quite nice!
I am nervous about the sheer tiredness that comes with training. I know I’ll be using more energy during the day, and frankly, I’m not sure how much is left in the tank. To start, I’m planning on 3 days a week—maybe 4 if I feel up to it. Cardio and light weights only. Nothing extreme initially; just moving, getting my heart rate up, and sweating again.
There will definitely be challenges, probably more mental than physical. I’m not a fan of Zone 2 training, but I’m also pretty sure my ankle won’t take well to Norwegian 4x4s just yet. I’m going to have to find a balance.
As for the other two options I cast aside?
Given my current sleep issues, I did seriously consider making “Optimizing Sleep” my primary challenge for the month. However, I’ve decided to hold off. The main culprits ruining my sleep right now are things I can’t actually change yet—like my body trying to heal an ankle and constantly fighting off the winter bugs brought home by the kids or lurking in the office toilets. I’ve decided to wait for the healing to progress and for the weather to move toward summer before trying to fix my circadian rhythm.
The other option on the table was “Increasing Social Connection”. But I realized I need to fit socializing around the other “big rocks” in my life, rather than making it the main event. Life is busy, but if I plan well, I can still make time for my friends. Plus, I know myself—if I chose the social challenge first, the gym would get pushed to the back burner, and any progress I made socially wouldn’t be sustained anyway.
Anyone Want to Regret Their Life Choices at 4:30 AM?
So, there we are. Monday is gym day.
Consider this your open invite: Anytime Fitness Taradale around 4:30 AM. (Yes, 4:30 AM, not PM). Look forward to seeing you all there!