Within Reason?

This week is assimilation week—the goal is to normalize the habit and the new version of me before I even think about taking on the next challenge.

I’m not intending to talk too much about the sobriety, mostly because I feel like I’ve finally shifted: daily drinking is no longer the norm; not drinking is the new (and vastly improved) baseline.

The downside? There’s no longer a clear delineation between “Work Me” and “Home Me,” other than the exact moment the kids start grinding my gears and my blood pressure begins to soar. We are on Day 4 of back-to-school, which is great, except I’m back at work for six hours this week. I don’t exactly get to enjoy the kid-free bliss I was imagining. I arrive home at the same time they do, then get the distinct pleasure of homework, dinner prep, shower time, and refereeing the daily street-fighting practice.

All of this happens before the co-pilot walks through the door—typically still fizzing from a stressful day or mid-meltdown—and I have to run defence before he unravels entirely. He desperately needs to find an alternative stress release for him, or I may take up gardening just so I have an excuse to bury him in the backyard.

Honestly, I’m feeling more stressed and grumpier than I have in a while. It’s got nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with life returning to its scheduled tedium while I’m missing my primary stress-relief strategy: hitting the gym and poor sleep for the pain.

So, I’m sitting here, sober as a judge, just bloody tired, looking at the chaos of my life and wondering honestly, “WTF?” The idea of assimilation week is just to see the situation for what it is, accept the mess, and work out what—if anything—I can take on next.

How to Burn Out Efficiently

I am just as guilty as the next person of buying into hustle culture, with its constant “optimizing” and “improving.” Actually, I’m probably more guilty, given that’s effectively what landed me in this experiment. But I don’t want to take on so much that I derail my progress or undermine the great things I already have in my world. My next project needs to increase my bandwidth, not draw on it. I know from previous projects that willpower will be required until the neural pathway is adequately paved (or at least gravelled), but it can’t be so extreme as to draw on what little is sustaining everything else.

In the spirit of “optimizing,” I should probably talk about the things already baked into my daily life—the things that are supposed to improve my wellbeing.

Because Dementia Sounds Inconvenient

The first and biggest one, at present, is Creatine. I take at least 20 grams every day. Standard gym advice recommends bodybuilders “load” with 20 grams for a few days, before dropping to a 5gram maintenance dose, but I don’t take creatine for the muscle gains, I take it for the brain gains.

It turns out that while your muscles absorb creatine relatively easily, your brain operates a much stricter border control. The standard 5-gram gym-bro dose barely moves the needle. To significantly increase brain creatine stores, you need higher doses over a sustained period.

It makes total sense when you think about the brain being an incredibly energy-hungry organ; the stuff that helps muscles recycle energy is exactly what your neurons need. Research is showing that in the short term, this level of creatine can buffer sleep deprivation (a parent’s best friend), reduce mental fatigue, and improve processing speed. More importantly, there is growing evidence that long-term supplementation may help preserve cognitive function as we age and could potentially play a protective role in neurodegenerative conditions such as Parkinson’s. The catch is that prevention only works if you start before the wheels fall off – which I hope is what I have done!

I honestly could go on about the benefits of creatine till I’m blue in the face, but if you are interested (and you should be if you want to remember the names of your grandchildren) have a listen to this podcast: The REAL Effects of Creatine You NEED To Know

Medicated, Supplemented and Occasionally Functional

I also have diagnosed depression, which is currently being exacerbated by shitty weather and hormones. It used to be termed Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)—effectively PMS on wicked-arse steroids. I would become borderline psychotic for a few days every month. Anyone who knew me as a teenager can attest to this. I was awful. I have to thank my parents for somehow enduring me and not handing me over to social services (though they did mention they weren’t aware that was an option until I was too old to be someone else’s problem).

I’ve been on and off antidepressants since I was 14. I currently take an SSRI pretty consistently, which helps take the edge off. While my consistency sometimes dwindles, I’ve stayed on track since breaking my ankle. I still get wickedly irritable—usually on a weekend morning—but it helps reduce the frequency of spontaneous crying and the runaway overwhelm.

I also take calcium for my bones and magnesium, partly for sleep but mostly for gut health. Magnesium is key for regulating muscle contractions in the gut and supporting the microbiome. Then there’s Armaforce, my miracle cold and flu defence. (Though a word of caution the key ingredient Andrographis can cause severe allergic reactions in some, so don’t just pop them like M&Ms without checking you aren’t the unlucky one).

I spend a fair bit of time outside when the weather allows. I’m not a fan of TV; after three episodes, I’m more than done, so Netflix-binging isn’t my vice. I love to read and I’ve set strict 30-minute limits on Instagram and Facebook. My phone use is mainly Spotify, Audible, and googling recipes.

My eating? That needs an overhaul. It’s a challenge because a) the research is so divided on the “best” way to eat, and b) I have to cater to a family, and cooking separate meals is a hill I refuse to die on. My biggest downfall is the evening sweet treat. Two or three pieces of chocolate with tea frequently snowballs into a whole row or more. I know it’s not the worst crime in the world, but it’s an area where I know I can do better.

That said, I don’t think that is a challenge I am ready to take on just yet, so I will flag to revisit at a later stage (contingent on future bandwidth of course).

Dictionary definitions

However, I saw the physio for the first time yesterday and he has finally cleared me for gym training “within reason.”

Being the responsible patient that I am, I immediately sought a formal definition and was given: “to a degree that is sensible, fair, practical, or appropriate under the circumstances.”

Clearly this physiotherapist does not know me very well.

That said, I actually intend to respect the proviso. One thing this ankle has taught me is that charging head-first at every challenge isn’t always the fastest route forward. Sometimes the quickest way back is frustratingly slow, sensible, and utterly devoid of heroic stupidity.

But for now, for a few more days at least, I’m just assimilating.

One sober, creatine-fuelled, chocolate-negotiating, husband-not-yet-buried day at a time.